Where To Get Breakup Advice

When you’re ending a relationship, it can help to get breakup advice from people who’ve been where you are. You might talk to a relative, friends, people you trust, or you might look for breakup advice online.

There are probably thousands of websites out there telling you how to break up with someone, how to handle the separation and how to move forward. But some of the advice you’ll find can actually make the bad things you’re feeling even worse.

First, you’ll find sites that are designed to convince you that you don’t really want to break up with your ex. There are number of books available on the subject. Look at your local library or bookstore and you’ll see probably a dozen books or more telling you how you can save the relationship.

That’s all great, if you really do want to save a relationship. There might be advice in those books and on those websites that can help you heal as a couple. The thing to watch for is breakup advice that makes you change your mind from wanting to move on to wanting to make it work, all designed to sell you an ebook or a regular book on just how to do it.

Remember that no matter how tempting the pitch is, you went looking for advice on how to move on. Not on how to go back into a situation you’ve just gotten away from. Avoid reading sites and books like that unless you’re really unsure you’ve made the right decision.

Then there are sites that will encourage you to move on too quickly. Often, these are designed to get you to sign up for a dating service! Think carefully. Do you really need breakup advice telling you to forget the time you’ve had with your ex by quickly getting back into the dating scene?

The point is that much of the advice out there is designed to sell you something that you probably don’t need. It’s a good idea to look for advice online. Just be sure that you can recognize the obvious pitches and sort the real advice from things just designed to sell you a product.

Most really good help online can be found at websites of relationship experts and people with education in human relations. They might have an ebook or book to sell, too. But they have experience counseling people and have credentials to show they know what they’re talking about.

Your closest friends can be a good source of advice, as long as they are supportive of you and don’t have any kind of attitudes about your ex-relationship. When you’re ending a relationship, it’s hard enough to deal with without good friends telling you “I told you so” or about what a loser the person was anyway.

Talk to friends who respect what you’re going through and don’t just start putting down your ex. The best breakup advice will come from people who only want to see you happy again.

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Whats Up With Relationship Coaches?

A relationship coach is an expert who literally becomes a part of your relationship for a short time and during that time they evaluate your relationship, act as a visionary in helping you to realize the potential of your relationship and offer tips and guidelines for achieving this potential.  A relationship coach often has extensive education in human development or communication and they utilize their educational background to help to enhance your relationship.  Relationship coaches are tasked with instilling the skills necessary to produce a more fulfilling relationship and they often do this through listening to your understanding of the problem, observing the couple in action and creating a customized plan of action for the couple.  This article will outline the basic functions of a relationship coach and how they can be beneficial in a relationship. 

The first step that a relationship coach will often take is to listen to a couple's complaints about the relationship.  While the couple may not be seeing the full problem, their understanding of the existing issues is often a good starting point for a relationship coach to begin her evaluation.  It is important that in your initial consultation with a relationship coach, you bring up all of the problems you see with the relationship. 

While you and your partner may have already discussed these issues at length, your relationship coach needs to hear these issues so that she can be sure to make an effort to observe these issues in the next stage of the process.  Being open and honest with your relationship coach about your perception of the problem is crucial to receiving a benefit from the use of a relationship coach.  Trying to hide certain issues or neglecting to mention them does not give the relationship coach an accurate representation of your relationship.  Furthermore it can be detrimental because if you neglect to mention a particular issue your relationship coach may be inclined to believe that you are satisfied with this aspect of your relationship and may not work to make improvements in this area.  In your initial consultation with a relationship coach, you will have the opportunity to offer your take on the relationship and let the coach know what you think is working and what needs improvement. 

After the initial consultation a relationship coach will often take some time to evaluate the couple’s relationship through observation.  They may come into the couple's lives on a daily basis and ask them to act normally while they observe the way that the couple interacts.  This step is very important because it gives the relationship coach a chance to determine whether or not the couple's self assessment of their relationship is accurate.  The couple may have their own beliefs about why an aspect of their relationship is dysfunctional but through careful observation the relationship coach may determine that the source of the problem is very different from the couple’s perception.  While a relationship coach may be able to determine the problems in a couple’s relationship through observation, this is only possibly if the couple makes an honest effort to act naturally during this observation period.  If the couple tries to fix their own problems during this phase and does not act naturally it will be difficult for the relationship coach to form a valid opinion about the way the couple interacts. 

Once a relationship coach has had the opportunity to meet with the couple and spend some time observing their interactions they will be able to design a customized plan of action for enhancing the relationship and working to improve troubled areas.  The relationship coach will often offer exercises for the couple that will help them to see what they are doing wrong in the relationship and how these discrepancies can be fixed.  These exercises may involve either role playing activities that address everyday situations the couple faces or tips for communicating in stressful situations when they arise.  These exercises may also offer ways for the couple to learn to communicate in new ways for all situations not just those that place stress on the relationship.  While the exercises prescribed by the relationship coach may sound either too complicated or too simplistic, it is important to remember that these exercises won’t help your relationship unless you are willing to give them a try. 

Finally it is important to realize when relationship coaching will be effective in a relationship.  The general rule of thumb is that if you are considering enlisting the help of a relationship coach, then they will most likely be able to help your relationship.  The simple fact that you are considering a relationship coach demonstrates that you have faith in your relationship and are willing to work to improve the relationship.  If you have never heard of relationship coaches and a friend or relative suggests one and your attitude is that they won’t be able to help you that that is an indication that you have already given up on the relationship and in this scenario a relationship coach will most likely not be able to help your relationship.  The use of a relationship coach is most effective when at least one but preferably both of the partners are committed to doing whatever it takes to salvage the relationship. 
Relationship coaches may not be for everyone or every relationship but they can be critical in enhancing a relationship in some situations.  It is important to realize that relationship coaches can not solve all of your problems but they can offer you solutions for some problems and exercises for working on these problems.  If you are willing to put an honest effort into solving some of the problems in your relationship then you may greatly benefit from the advice of a relationship coach.
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How to Fight Fairly

In any relationship worth having conflict is bound to arise.  The true test of the relationship is whether or not you feel that it is worthwhile to resolve these conflicts and if you are able to do so in a fair and objective way.  Key elements to fighting fairly include sticking to the issue at hand, being open to listening to the other person, not involving others in the fight, not bringing up old issues and finally being willing to accept responsibility and let it go when the fight is over. 

It’s important to know what you are fighting over and to stick to that issue in the argument.  If you allow things to build up over time and then explode with many grievances at once neither you nor the person you are fighting with will have a clear understanding of what the issue is or why you are fighting.  It is important to address each issue as they arise to alleviate resentment and fighting that does not have a clear focus.  Sticking to one specific issue in a fight is the fair way to fight and it’s also the most successful way to fight.  If both parties involved have a clear understanding of why they are fighting you are much more likely to reach a mutually amicable resolution. 

Listening is a very important component of fighting fairly.  It is imperative to allow the other person to offer their side of the argument.  Fighting without listening will not be effective because it does not allow you to be open to the other person’s opinions and justifications.  The other person may have a very valid reason for their actions but if you are only interested in what you have to say and are unwilling to listen you will not hear their point of view.  Another aspect of listening is to really understand what the other person is saying.  It’s very easy to not hear the intent of a person’s message.  In a fight you want to actively clarify the other person’s statements and give them the opportunity to affirm or negate your interpretation of their argument.  Listening attentively and understanding the other person’s argument is a very effective and fair way to fight.

Bringing others into a fight is not a fair way to fight.  It is important that the fight take place between those directly involved and that neither party elicits the help of friends or family members to validate their position.  It doesn’t matter how many other people agree with you, that does not necessarily make you right, so don’t involve others in your fight.  This is not only not fair to your partner but it is also not fair to those who are dragged into the argument.  While you may have many people who agree with you and believe you are right, bringing them into the fight just isn’t fair and also isn’t effective. 

In a fair fight it is also important to not bring up old issues.  A fair fight will remain focused and bringing up the past distracts from the current issues and also sends the message that the past has not been forgotten.  If you partner feels that you are bringing up old issues, he may begin to feel as if the current fight is not worth fighting because it will not be forgotten.  If you convey the message that you are not willing to forgive and forget you are not fighting fairly because your partner will feel as though the argument is no longer worthwhile.  Also, bringing up old issues is not fair because they are not relevant to the current fight.  A fair fight is clearly focused on a current conflict without dredging up old issues. 

Another key tactic for fighting fairly is to be willing to accept responsibilities for your own actions and be willing to reach a resolution and move on from the argument.  Those who fight fairly are prepared to concede the fact that they may lose the argument.  Losing the argument means either that you admit that you were solely to blame in the situation or that you are unable to convince the other person of your argument.  What is important in a fair fight is not who is right or who is wrong but that the couple is able to reach an amicable agreement and that they are both able to progress and leave the fight in the past. 

Fighting fairly is crucial in a healthy relationship.  Disagreements are natural and resolving them in a fair way is imperative to a thriving relationship.  Not fighting fairly is indicative of a relationship that is not healthy.  A fair fight however incorporates the key elements of focus, listening and resolution without involving third parties in the fight.  A fair fight is also left in the past after resolution.  Fair fighting leads to resolution in most cases.
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