We Are Getting Back Together:Article 6 in The Nuts and Bolts of Good Communication

Learning to Compromise

To find a satisfactory outcome when you disagree with your partner, generally you have to compromise. That means you get a little and you give a little. Ideally, both sides feel that they've “won”. A relationship succeeds only when both parties feel they have their needs met.

Here are some ways to compromise:

Split the Difference – meet each other half way. When discussing vacation plans and one person wants to go on a cruise and the other wants to go to Hawaii, consider a Hawaiian cruise.

Alternate your choices – if a Hawaiian cruise is out of the question (these are more expensive than Caribbean cruises or typical Hawaiian vacations), consider alternating doing one this year and one the next.

Alternate Concessions – If your partner feels strongly about one thing and you don't, agree to it on the basis that he or she will concede something you want.

Satisfy the Objections – when there are all or none choices (ie. Whether to have kids), discuss the objections each of you have. For instance, if a person is concerned about the financial burden of having a child, discuss ways to increase the household's income.

Pick Your Battles

You have only so many years on earth and you have only so much emotional energy. You simply can't fight over every single issue. So, pick your battles and limit your fights to the issues that really matter.

If you have multiple and complex issues with your partner, you are going to have to prioritize what issues are most important to you. Some psychologists recommend that you make a list of all of your grievances and then pick out the top three. Resolve to only confront those issues until you reach a satisfactory accord with your partner. Only then will you bring up anything else on the list.

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There is an old saying that you can “win the battle but lose the war.” Remember that you can win one concession after another and then have your partner walk out because there is simply nothing left in the relationship for him or her.

Another thing is that the more you fight with your partner and the more issues you deal with at any given time, the more likely it is that you will simply run out of the emotional energy needed to sustain the relationship. So, when dealing with grievances, pick your battles.

Choose the Right Time and Place for Confrontations

There are good times and bad times for everything. Taking your wife to a fancy French dinner and talking to her about tightening the belt – either for family finances or her own waistline – is a bad idea!

Productive conversations take place when you are not:

• Overheard
• Distracted
• Disturbed
• Interrupted

You should be able to focus on the issue at hand. It should be in a physical location where you can maintain eye contact. It should be in a place where both of you can feel physically and emotionally comfortable. Finally, you should plan the encounter so that you will have enough time to have a lengthy conversation and resolve the matter.

Conclusion

Relationships take work. The longer you are with your partner, the more issues you will have come up. As you grow and change personally, new issues will arise. As you move through the various stages of life – dating, marriage, children, growing old – you will face new challenges. All of these things require that you learn communications strategies that work.

The good news is that once you learn to communicate well, you can face these challenges effectively. While the birth of a child brings on new kinds of stress, the lessons you learned communicating when you were first married and learning to live with each other will come into play.

Keep in mind that the ultimate goal is not to “win.” When you love someone, the ultimate goal is to move the relationship into an ever more loving plane. You do this through implementing the various strategies mentioned in this report.

Now go communicate in a loving way! But first watch this Video!

We Are Getting Back Together:Article 4 on Nuts and Bolts of Good Communication

This article is a continuation of the series of articles on "The Nuts and Bolts of Good Communication" and picks up with:

Communicating Your Needs

You need to be able to share your needs in a calm, rational way. But, you also need to show respect for your partner. In a relationship, the partners are equal. As a result, you have the right – and the responsibility – to express your needs and desires.

Assertiveness has three components – what you say, how you say it, and your behavior when you say it. Your partner may not break down the components and analyze them, but they will sense the total package.

The content of your message is quite important. That includes the words you choose and the order in which you deliver them. There are two different ways to express assertiveness.

The first is to express a feeling. These statements start with “I feel...” The second is to express a request. One way to phrase this is “I would appreciate it if you would...”

Avoid statements that could be taken of acts of aggression rather than assertiveness. Instead of saying “You make me so mad,” say “I feel angry when you do that.”

Also, avoid telling other people what they feel or think. You are not a mind reader. This will either spiral the argument out of control or make your partner shut down.

Don't pretend to ask a question when you are really making a statement. If you want to go to a restaurant, don't say, “do you think we should go to the cafe tonight?” Instead, state what you want. Say, “I would like to go to the cafe. How do you feel about that?”

Don't call your partner names. Telling him or her that they are dumb, stupid, or idiotic is not going to open up lines of communication. Calling them names like “bimbo” or “bastard” are not effective communication tools.

Similarly, avoid power words like never and always. Things are not black and white. Don't make them out to be.

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The next part of assertiveness is how you deliver the words. The key elements to delivery include timing, volume, speed, pitch, and tone of voice.

Timing involves when you say what you say. For instance, if you cut your partner off mid-sentence, he or she is likely to feel that you are not respectful of what they are saying. This can lead to a situation where both of you are cutting each other off and speaking over the other.

Communication is a two way street. You need to listen to the other person before you speak. Each person should get a turn.

Volume is another aspect to respectful communication. You should try to keep all discussions – especially heated ones – at a conversational level. If you begin to get louder, take a deep breath and remodulate your voice.

The next component in communication is the speed at which you talk. When you get agitated, you will tend to talk faster. Whether consciously or unconsciously, your partner will pick up on this and respond to your agitation. Speed often goes hand in hand with volume. Together, they can ratchet up the intensity of the discussion or fight. So, when you catch yourself talking a mile a minute, catch yourself and slow down.

Some people have distinct pitches to their voice when they get emotional. Usually, their voice becomes higher in pitch. People associate high pitch with stress and lower pitch with calm. When you are arguing, try taking your pitch down a notch and see whether that doesn't calm the situation down.

Finally, the tone of voice you use conveys your mood through inflection. Think about the sentence “what did you do?” Ask that in a number of scenarios and see how your tone changes:

• When your spouse has just emptied out the bank account and gambled your rent money away.
• When your spouse has brought you flowers as a suprise for no reason at all
• When your spouse was out for the evening on a “girls night out” or a poker party and you approved of         it.
• When your spouse was away for 12 hours without letting you know where he was.

The tone of your voice can sometimes convey more than the words you speak.

Tomorrow's article will continue on the series of articles on "The Nuts And Bolts Of Good Communication".

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